Tap!

Crackers Fit for a Fuhrer

It's no Dongda Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease, but I finally discovered a new piece of quality English. I'm not sure if it's a pun, a bad idea, a bad translation, or completely innocent and anything wrong is in my mind rather than their product, though. Here's the source - a packet of rice crackers from Thailand:


It's not immediately obvious - which makes it even better - but look more closely at the top left corner:

Disregarding any possible Aryan connotations, the title is fair enough - this stuff is hell of tasty.

Pardon the Solemnity

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

I've Choked Bitches Out for Less

I think I finally became part of the club at training Monday night. Pedro was teaching us noobs how to do rear control (lol gay jokes). Then, soon after, we moved on to a submission from that position - something I'm sure you're all familiar with, the sleeper hold.

Now this guy I was training with, as Sinclair noted, clearly has some issues with his fight or flight reflex; that is to say, he doesn't seem to have one. First couple of times we practiced, he got a good hold on and I tapped quickly, but then after I tried it a couple of times, I'm holding it there, waiting for the tap, when suddenly he just spasms for a moment, then Pedro leaps up and pulls me off him.

I now understand why they call it a sleeper.

This guy had not only passed out, he actually began snoring, and not just nasally grunty type snoring, but Looney Tunes-esque, cheeks flapping around type snoring.

Pedro sorted him out quick, and we tried again. A couple of tries later and boom, same result. Right down to the snoring. Seriously, it's not that hard to figure out when to tap - when you start feeling a headrush, it's time to pussy out.

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

One of the latest mysteries of Taiwan - and presumably other countries, but I'm not in other countries - to rear its head and occupy my mind is this:

Why do convenience stores advertise on TV?



What's the point? No-one has and brand loyalty to any particular convenience store; if I want to go buy a Coke or whatever, I go to the nearest store, I don't home in on, say, 7-Eleven. The only times anyone specifically goes to store x are when that store has a particular thing others don't - for instance, as far as I know Family Mart is the only one that sells SkypeOut credit - or, for some people, if you want to collect that rubbish they give away.

I know it must serve some purpose, surely. There has to be some effect. But I don't see it. I just don't get it. I understand why fast food chains advertise - there's a genuine preference issue there; some people prefer Burger King, others prefer McDonalds, and the role of advertising is essentially conversion. But that doesn't work for convenience stores.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Been working most of the night on an article for Taiwan Panorama and came across what might be the single most unexpected cultural (or rather, cross-cultural) reference in any Chinese-language text I have ever read. A section heading in the article reads:

馬蓋先的養成 (ma3gai4xian1 de yang3cheng2)

I read that and figured Ma Gaixian must be some dude's name. I googled it to be sure, and found out what it is. It is a dude. Very much a dude. And a dude that was apparently huge in Taiwan back in the day. That dude? See if this rings any bells:



(For those of you either too senile to remember that theme or jonesing for the original: here you go. And the clip's even rocking the old-school 2.)

Paisei Seems to be the Hardest Word

I finally had a student at the buxiban of the type that motivated the naming of this blog.

After being 10 minutes late for his first appointment last week, and 40 minutes late yesterday, this dumbshit managed to be a full hour late today. Both today and yesterday were 11am appointments, so after yesterday you'd think he'd figure out to leave home earlier. Apparently not. Instead, he demonstrated that most frustrating, quintessentially Taiwanese of traits: paisei.

For the uninitiated, paisei is basically Taiwanese for "sorry," but in Taiwan it's become a state of mind. To be paisei, basically all you have to do is make a completely unmeant apology by saying paisei a couple of times, bow a little, and smile relentlessly. Don't actually apologize though, and never mean it. Basically, it's like groveling and retardation mixed into one delightful ball of shit.

So this guy comes in an hour late, sits down, and utterly refuses to comprehend why I told him that being an hour late for a 40-minute appointment was unsatisfactory and to make a new appointment. He ended up making an appointment for 1pm tomorrow. Let's see if he's learned his lesson.

Goddamn Fucking Domain Squatters

Looks like the ownership of the host domain for that song got snatched up by a bunch of squatting faggots. Here's a new link, hosted on Rapidshare this time:

Beefy feat. Drown Radio - The Sound

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' (What)

Went down on Saturday to the Taiwan Brazilian Jiujitsu Club to check out the free into lesson-thing with Pedro the Black Belt Pimp. One of the only adjectives I can think of to describe that stuff is "rapey". There's something inarguably rapey about throwing someone to the ground, pinning them there, and straddling their chest. Despite that, it was actually pretty fun, and finances allowing I might give that shit a shot.

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In other news, have a free song. It's genuinely free too, like being given away by the artist and shit, and I've been listening to it heaps this past week. Be warned - heavy concentrations of white rapping nerds ahead.

Beefy (feat. Drown Radio) - The Sound

IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER

After a quick tweak to Google Analytics, I'm now able to get referral URLs telling me where people are coming from to get here. And it's taught me something scary: apparently this blog is in top 10 results (number seven right now) when people Google for "Imma chargin' mah lazer" and "Imma firin' mah lazer" (number eight for that one). To celebrate this oddity of Googlage:

Temporarily Stairs

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

- Mitch Hedberg

In Taipei Main Station on Monday, I was heading down to the MRT Blue Line, making my way along with the crowd to one of the escalators down to the platform. I get there, and just as I'm about to step onto the escalator, this stupid fat bitch in white turns around and starts walking back up and off the escalator. It was at this point I realize the escalator's not moving. OK, that's a surprise, but I don't see why it merits getting off the escalator. But then she one-ups that; she walks across about a foot, and starts walking down the stairs instead.

Um..... yeah. OK.

I Scoff at Your So-called "Rule of Law"

Finally, today, proof that Taiwanese are not devoid of a sense of irony. I hope.

Former Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), who is to appear in court for a hearing tomorrow, said yesterday he would run for president next year even if the court were to render a guilty verdict.

"If the first trial finds me guilty, I will still run" said Ma, who is set to register his candidacy for the KMT presidential primary soon.

"They would not get what they want by trying to use litigation to beset me, or even knock me down," he said.

Ma is suspected of embezzling NT$11 million (US$332,425) and was indicted on Feb. 13 on corruption charges.

Source: Taipei Times, April 2

Now a Taiwanese politician ignoring the law and common sense is nothing new, but bear in mind, this man has a Bachelor of Law from National Taiwan University, an LL.M. from New York University, and an S.J.D. from Harvard. The man understands the concept of "guilty means you did bad shit". And the idea that a convicted criminal, especially one convicted of stealing public money, should not be running the country should not be that hard for a Harvard graduate to fully comprehend.

Reading The View from Taiwan the other day, I found a link to this blog post, wherein the blogger in question wonders aloud why so many foreigners in Taiwan seem so pessimistic about the place. Protip: Bullshit like this is why.