You're Doing It Wrong

Saw a good minor example of "you're doing it wrong" today. After completing my duties at one of the local public facilities, just as I finish washing my hands and turn for the door, I see a guy burst in, wash his hands, then go into the cubicle. Wait, what?

Additionally, god I wish I'd had my phone on me this afternoon. I saw an awesome classic mullet. There're quite a few mullets around here, but they're mostly trendy Jappo mullets, all fashionable and shit. They're still mullets though. But this dude today, holy shit. Classic business-up-front, party-out-back mullet - flat-top, shorn sides, and hair going halfway down his back looking all unwashed and hell of icky. Fucking epic mullet, and I wish I could've shared it with y'all.

Strange Things in a Strange Land

Sometimes things happen, wherever you are, that just defy all logic, all reason. Things to which no logical sequence of events could possibly lead. I saw just such a thing yesterday, and I will probably never figure it out.

I spent the afternoon at the Starbucks by Daan MRT station finishing off some work. With that down, I headed out to the MRT station to head home. As I approach the station entrance, I see a huge crowd gathered around, and while crowds of people are nothing special in Taipei, this crowd was actually stationary and focused on something. Something probably connected to the wailing, screaming kid noises. Getting closer, I see the sight, the scene that just fucking bewilders me still.

A little girl, no older than seven or eight, tops, is lying, if you can call it that, on the top handrail of steps leading into the station, flailing and crying, her legs wrapped around the handrail for dear life. (Bear in mind, there are only a handful of steps, and the handrail's probably a meter or so above them, so that was odd in and of itself.) Next to the kid is a parent - a fucking whale of a parent at that, to the point where I couldn't tell if it was mother or father 'cause at that size it would have had tits either way - grappling with the flailing monster, trying desperately to wrap their offspring in a towel. A towel? Yes, for a very specific - I hesitate to say good - reason. Now this is the part that renders the scene utterly unintelligible:

The kid was soaking wet, head to toe, and buck fucking naked.

So to recap: In central Taipei, a city of roughly six million people, this kid somehow ended up:

• At the MRT station
• Angry/mental
• Wrapped around a handrail
• Soaking wet, and
  
• Butt naked

I just don't know how in the hell that's even possible. Seriously, what the fuck. What sequence of events could possibly end in that result?

The world is a fucked up place sometimes.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Been working most of the night on an article for Taiwan Panorama and came across what might be the single most unexpected cultural (or rather, cross-cultural) reference in any Chinese-language text I have ever read. A section heading in the article reads:

馬蓋先的養成 (ma3gai4xian1 de yang3cheng2)

I read that and figured Ma Gaixian must be some dude's name. I googled it to be sure, and found out what it is. It is a dude. Very much a dude. And a dude that was apparently huge in Taiwan back in the day. That dude? See if this rings any bells:



(For those of you either too senile to remember that theme or jonesing for the original: here you go. And the clip's even rocking the old-school 2.)

Temporarily Stairs

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

- Mitch Hedberg

In Taipei Main Station on Monday, I was heading down to the MRT Blue Line, making my way along with the crowd to one of the escalators down to the platform. I get there, and just as I'm about to step onto the escalator, this stupid fat bitch in white turns around and starts walking back up and off the escalator. It was at this point I realize the escalator's not moving. OK, that's a surprise, but I don't see why it merits getting off the escalator. But then she one-ups that; she walks across about a foot, and starts walking down the stairs instead.

Um..... yeah. OK.

Lords and Ladies, Welcome to Medieval Times!

In yet more proof that flying to Taiwan must at some point involve a trip backward in time - it's the only explanation for much of the weirdness here - this story from Saturday's Taipei Times talks about protests over the closure of Losheng Leprosarium in Taipei County.


It's not the protests, nor the closure of the leprosarium that has me confused. No, it's much simpler than that. What the hell is a (presumably) developed country in the 21st century doing with a fucking leper colony? I thought that stopped getting taken seriously around about the time they stopped bleeding people to cure diseases. How on Earth does a country responsible for making some of the more high-tech components for iconic 21st century products like iPods, Wii's, and big-ass TV's simultaneously also have such archaic ideas about, well, anyone who's even remotely different to the hoi polloi? This is madness!

A New Low for the Taiwanese Media

One habit I wish I could break is watching the news channels here from time to time. As anyone who's seen them will know, I use "news" in the loosest possible definition. For the uninformed, these channels make Entertainment Tonight look like BBC News in terms of content, ethics, style, and general value to society.

That being said, one of the channels - I forget which - hit a new low, something I had previously imagined impossible. But they did it. They reported, po-faced and with dead seriousness, a televised assault by Donald Trump on another celebrity. That celebrity? The video below (in particular the last 30 seconds) should make it crystal clear:



Again I ask: Seriously, what the fuck? How is it the Taiwanese news media manage to be more naive and gullible than a 10-year-old child?

Incongruity

There are moments when this country doesn't so much annoy, frustrate, or amuse me as it does just fucking boggle the mind. Moments like today, when I saw the bus-side ad for the movie Ghost Rider, which included the standard note about who was performing the Chinese-language "theme" for the thing. Now Taiwan's remarkably thin on anything even remotely approaching masculine musically, but surely they're taking the piss now.

The performers of the theme song for Ghost Rider are 5566 - these guys:


For your reference, this is Ghost Rider:


Seriously. What the fuck people.